3.09.2008

Swiper, get counseling! Swiper, get counseling!

If you've ever read any of the Dora the Explorer books you have encountered the likes of Swiper, a kleptomaniacal fox. Swiper's sole purpose in life is to steal anything and everything from Dora and her friends, apparently at any cost. The Dora crowd always seems to vanquish this thieving fox by saying aloud with the help of readers, "Swiper, stop swiping! Swiper, stop swiping!" This troublingly simple and highly effective remedy makes you wonder if Swiper has a guilty conscience or just scares easily. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe Swiper is clinically insane?

In one particular story, Dora and her friends were out to get some ice cream on a hot summer day. As they approached an ice cream truck, Swiper flew by in a helicopter in an attempt to steal the ice cream. Once again, they all yell "Swiper, stop swiping!" and he flies off.

This series of events struck me as odd on several levels. Who uses a chopper to hunt down a little girl and some snacks? A psycho, that's who. They always say that if you see a fox during the day there's probably something wrong with it, and Swiper is no exception.

A rational person would realize that the kids will clearly hear the helicopter coming and will be able to defend their ice cream, but Swiper did not. Any way, the rotor wash from the chopper would get dirt in the ice cream making it inedible, another factor for which he failed to account.

Then there's the cost to consider. Super unleaded gas is pushing $3.30 a gallon, which is a cone or small sundae right there, but I can't even imagine what JP-4 (aviation fuel) costs right now. Why not just buy the ice cream with the money he spent on fuel or even trade helicopter rides with the ice cream man for a few cones?

All of this aside, you wonder where in the hell a fox gets a helicopter in the first place. Did he borrow it? Did he rent it?... Did he kill for it?

When all is said and done, Swiper abandons his efforts at the mere sound of kids yelling in unison.

Dora, if I may, a little advice; stop yelling at him and get some mace and a restraining order. Swiper appears to have a very light grasp on reality and suffers from some distinct anti-social conditions. I mean come on, he used a helicopter to try and steal an ice cream cone! If that doesn't scream nuts, I don't know what does. One day he will realize that all you are doing is yelling at him and that words can't hurt him, and then where will you be? Probably tied up in Swiper's basement. Swiper is not stealing because he needs or wants things, he does it to interfere with your life. Dora, Swiper is obsessed with you.

So the next time that Swiper commandeer's a hovercraft to pilfer some new shoelaces or something equally ridiculous, I want you to say with me, "Swiper, get counseling! Swiper, get counseling!" Then call the cops.

1 comment:

  1. hhahaha great laugh, well written ;)

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